Dear Jacob & Abby,
There are some things in this world that can be seen. There are also some things that cannot be seen. Unfortunately for you, your parents' compromised gene pools have likely condemned you to a life of stumbling around grasping for the latter. But despair not! There is a solution. In 1784 God bestowed upon Man the means with which to focus the unseen and render it knowable. He called them Glasses and were it not for them you may never have been born in the first place. Glasses will undoubtedly become a fixture in your life just as they were the fixture that made your life. You need to know and love glasses. Fear and respect glasses. Or at a bare minimum, don't pull them off your father's God damn face. The man needs to see and you need to live. You can accomplish those two goals by the simple act of not impairing your father's sight. Also, don't stab him with them once you've got them. That's just cruel. Plus he can't find you to stop you so he's got to yell until Mommy comes. And she's got better things to do than defend her husband from a toddler. So be a sport and leave the damn glasses alone.