Friday, February 24, 2012

A Letter to Ari's kids about Ametropes

This letter was requested by my friend Ari in response to my previous letter.

Dear Jacob & Abby,

There are some things in this world that can be seen.  There are also some things that cannot be seen.  Unfortunately for you, your parents' compromised gene pools have likely condemned you to a life of stumbling around grasping for the latter.  But despair not!  There is a solution.  In 1784 God bestowed upon Man the means with which to focus the unseen and render it knowable.  He called them Glasses and were it not for them you may never have been born in the first place.  Glasses will undoubtedly become a fixture in your life just as they were the fixture that made your life.  You need to know and love glasses.  Fear and respect glasses.  Or at a bare minimum, don't pull them off your father's God damn face.  The man needs to see and you need to live.  You can accomplish those two goals by the simple act of not impairing your father's sight.  Also, don't stab him with them once you've got them.  That's just cruel.  Plus he can't find you to stop you so he's got to yell until Mommy comes.  And she's got better things to do than defend her husband from a toddler.  So be a sport and leave the damn glasses alone.

Uncle Doug

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A letter to my toddlers about women

Dear Tyler & Aidan,

There are some things in this world that can be known.  There are also some things that are unknowable.  Part of life is learning to accept that some things cannot be known.  You will find and rebel and eventually accept that much about women is simply unknowable.  It is frustrating and difficult and ultimately insurmountable.  Accepting it will be one of the great triumphs in your life.  But there is at least one thing about women that is knowable.  And that, is that you do not fuck with their hair.  If there is a woman that you like/respect/would enjoy ever seeing again, you are to compliment them on their hair and then shut the fuck up.  It is simple, but it is critical to your future happiness.  Women are not impenetrable magical sphinxes with mysterious vails and complex machinations.  They are human, with everything that entails.  So do yourself a favor, respect all women and show them that by at a bare minimum praising their hair and being quiet.  It is hard fought wisdom that is as true today as it will be when you care to remember it.  But for now, please stop pulling your mother's hair every time she gives you a hug.  I'm sick of hearing her complain about it.  Just give her a kiss and go away.